The Perfect Bar: A Science-Backed Evaluation of the Best Vibes to Get Drunk To

So, obviously, we are at the bar. A NEW bar. And let me just say: the vibes in here? Inspiring. Inspiring enough to…. make us fucking write about it.

Here it goes, from the boots-on-the-ground experts:

QUALITIES OF THE PERFECT BAR

VOLUME.
LIGHTING.
BARTENDER ENERGY.
SEATING.
PLAYLIST.
DRINK SELECTION.
A LITTLE QUEER. DOESN’T NEED TO BE LITERAL. WE. HATE. WEHO. (THIS MESSAGE APPROVED BY GAY PIPER PLEASE DON’T CANCEL)
AND A CERTAIN…. JE NE SAIS QUOI.
- free popcorn machine
- TouchTunes or similar jukebox app
- my friends work there
- silent mutual good vibe acknowledgment between us and staff (free stuff or gossip exchanged) (equally valuable)
- patrons who know what is going on and MIGHT, if I’m amenable, tell me a story or two. but no more than two.
- no one is yelling
- everything was beautiful and nothing hurt
- never a bathroom line exceeding three people
- is drugstore cowboy (it’s not home, but it’s much)
- trey
- if you happen to leave your passport and harmonica there, they keep them for you and try to contact you about it and will give you a hug about it when you show up disheveled and afraid. not that that would happen to me.
- if you’re very very good they let you on the aux. you don’t do well.
- no matter how far away you sit, you’re described as having a “soothing presence”
- trey. again. the trey reading this
- A vague Irish bartender who has a very smooth head and proper smile and legs, VERY legs
- A soppy haired bartender who runs FAST and climbs HIGH and rips CARDS in HALF with duct tape around them for FUN in his APARTMENT in the DEEP and DARK hours. BONUS points if your biggest fear is a ring full of hair. not that I would know anything about that. hi [redacted].

WHAT NOT TO DO: