My Hunt for the Drunkest Replacements Concert,

and what it taught me about myself (namely, that i am still in love with paul westerberg. and i am drunk as well.)

By: me, it’s Shelby [Redacted]. Obviously.

For no reason at all and at the behest of no one ever, I have taken it upon myself to find the worst, drunkest recording of the Replacements currently available. Based on my now-extensive experience with the live recording collecting community, it seems that most fans prioritize the uncommonly good recordings of the band and tack on the bad recordings as some kind of slightly amusing novelty, which is the exact opposite of what I’m trying to do here. I want to hear them at their absolute worst, falling all over the place, throwing up, bleeding, unable to stand up or locate their instruments, etc. Is it so wrong to love them for their bad behavior? Because, boy, do I. I have read countless stories about their unforgivable behavior onstage, all of which make me, writing this with a beer in hand, feel closer to them than ever. But even after all the stories I’ve read about their insane antics, I try to listen to their live shows and find that they sound… mostly fine. Drunk, sure, a little messy, definitely, but bad enough to incite the reactions I’ve been reading about? Certainly not. After watching a few hours of content, most would have given up. But not me—not when I have all this mental illness at my disposal. So there I was, pure of heart, clear of eye, and full of beer, ready to embark on a quest through the darkest recesses of the internet to find the one true drunkest Replacements concert. It’s for you, dear readers, that I have spent close to 40 hours listening to the screeching, wailing keenings of a young and wasted Paul Westerberg on a holy mission to find that one true drunkest video (yes, it was all for you and has nothing to do with whatever is wrong with me, you sick perverts, no matter what the critics or doctors may say) and I do believe I might have done it. Before we get into the list, a note on my process: 

Before we get to my process, allow me to present my masterpiece:

*I am awaiting an honorary degree from an accredited university for this revelation. Hit my line.

Sources: most importantly, bobstinsonsghost

This YouTube account has more Replacements videos than you could even believe exist, and I have watched all of them (ALL of them) in the pursuit of my divine calling. RIP to an absolute prince among men, Jim Clarke, for his incredible commitment to spreading illegal bootlegs to any freaks like me who consume them as life-giving sustenance. Mandatory moment of silence for Jim. 

Replacements Live Archive https://replacementslivearchive.blogspot.com/: This is a perfect website that I spent many fruitful hours on, reading comments and gathering dates. Unfortunately, I am woefully unschooled in the ways of the internet (I’m not nearly old enough to justify this despite my use of words like “woefully”) and didn’t realize I would need to buy a VPN to access all of the links available here. I wasn’t going to be doing that, mostly because I don’t know what it means, but Piper, ever helpful and slightly more savvy than me, did try to download a free VPN which resulted in a virus that texted hardcore porn to me and their family members at 4 in the morning. So after that trauma we quickly moved on from the very idea of a VPN. Piper, still waiting on that link to My Wax Lady Ate Me Out Part III whenever you or your hacker get a chance.  Say what you will about our intelligence, but you cannot question our open-hearted commitment. 

Now, as an experienced stalker-haha-I-mean-researcher, I know that the very first step is to take to Reddit, where the other freaks live. After I compiled a list of their favorite drunk bootlegs and their sources, I headed to an even scarier forum, https://paulwesterberg.proboards.com/, a place that makes me look normal and well-adjusted, for more specific information that normal fans probably have no business being privy to. Based on my previous knowledge (which is entirely normal to have), I determined that I’d have the best luck with videos from 1984-1986 and saved every video from the site that had a comment mentioning drunkenness, sloppiness, nudity, vomit, etc. 

Once again, most of the shows I listened to were fine. I know I have an uncommonly high tolerance for shenanigans, but come on. Just as I was starting to grow discouraged after eight straight hours listening to medium-bad-but-not-sloppy-just-kind-of-grating shows, there it was, glistening like a pearl beneath the sand: a show so fucking annoying that I said, “Oh, someone should beat the shit out of them.” And now I will share with you, dear readers, the fruit of hours, days, weeks of research: the drunkest, most insufferable Replacements performance. 

MORE SONGS ABOUT BUILDINGS AND BOB, Jockey Club, Newport, Kentucky, October 1, 1984

This show is an honest to god unforgivable fucking nightmare. It’s close to 40 songs in 42 minutes, depending on what you count as a “song,” as most are aborted covers with the main words replaced with “Bob.” It’s insane, it’s insufferable, the audio quality is horrifying, and they are having the absolute time of their lives. Is this not what it’s all about? Having a blast, causing a scene, pissing everyone off to the point of violence? I’m so proud of them I could cry. I will admit, after so much research I had started to feel discouraged, to wonder if maybe what I consider “way too fucking drunk” is outside the bounds of society’s expectations and I should perhaps seek treatment, but I should have stayed the course and had faith in these boys. This is almost unlistenable. It’s perfect, it’s magnificent, it’s a religious text to me. Proceed with caution and a beer and very much at your own peril. 

Now, if this sounds unbearable: First of all, I would like to say that’s fair (but maybe recalibrate your internal fun compass), but I have some other, slightly less abrasive suggestions as well. 

First runner-up: Live & Drunk, CBGB’s, December 9, 1984

I believe this is a famous bootleg commonly billed as the “Live & Drunk” show. A secret show they played at CBGB’s under the moniker Gary & the Boners, and I do find it glorious. As a tic, I have been repeating “and we do a wicked backflip” for many weeks to everyone around me’s great displeasure—thank you, drunk Westerberg. At this show, they really are just having so much fun it almost hurts. Highlights include the several cover songs with lyrics smashed into melodies that don’t fit at all; what a truly miserable listening experience that makes me ask for the umpteenth time, “Paul, I know you’re single, are you free Friday night?” (Piper, prudent editor, if you’ve ever cared about me at all, redact that last part.) 

Bogart’s, Cincinnati, Ohio, April 9, 1986:

This video MUST be included because it’s here that Paul Westerberg is offensive to both women and gays in a very funny way, and I find his miserable snottiness so charming that it simply must be brought to the masses. 

And now I will let Piper, of the community and immune to slur allegations, quote: 

Piper LGBTQIA+PhD quoting the Replacements, 1986, asking the lightman to turn off the lights: “The yellow and red ones that make us look like fucking gay faggots!! *scream*”

Shelby, a verified woman, quoting the Replacements: “Hey, fucker, you’re FIRED! You and that little slut too!”

This show is mostly fine but, my goodness, do I get the impression they do not want to be there and are being heinous on purpose. I love this about them and wish to hear more of it. They’re wasted, they’re slurring, and the audio quality is clear as a bell so you can hear every prissy complaint and inebriated misstep. Chef’s kiss, a personal favorite. 

Chestnut Cabaret, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, July 27, 1987: 

By sheer accident, we are proceeding chronologically, and so I have to include this 1987 show. By 1987, they are so fucking done, so exhausted, so disillusioned that they are real assholes (love and approve of this), so although they have much less energy than in the earlier shows, I find their world-weary attitude equally entertaining. See here the band in a state one would call too drunk to function for earlier shows, but now they’re battle-hardened veterans able to maintain the general shape of a song, at least for long enough for Paul Westerberg to communicate how much he wants to fucking die (once again, angel, free for dinner?). All of the shows from this era are colored by a patina of exhaustion and disgust, which I love, and this is a fabulous example.